Days of Darkness
I was asked to do a nice little guest spot for Bob’s Bad Movie Blog…but I never got around to giving it to him, so here I am with none other than a review of one of the most disturbingly terrible B-movie with zombies in it. It takes a special kind of awful to make me dislike anything with zombies. This movie has it. It has some of the worst action, actors, dialogue…plot. If there’s one thing I love it’s zombies…so here we go:

That’s Fowl:
-The plot doesn’t seem to exist.
-Characters are unnaturally shallow and barely have coherent dialogue.
-Characters are killed in situations a two year old could survive.
-Ending is forced.

Golden Eggs:
-Roshelle Baier. She’s hot.
-A good attempt at a twist on the zombie genre.
Goose’s Ruling: FOWL
A movie that had good intentions, but failed without a plot, boobs, or characters you can relate with.

Plot: 3 Zombifying Alien Scumbags out of 10.
Pretty much everything in this movie makes me wish that a zombie apocalypse had stopped me from watching this drek. Before I get too far ahead of myself, we should probably get into how this ‘zombie’ apocalypse happens and how it ends in a War of the Worlds fashion. Within the first 60 seconds of the movie you see a CG comet streak across Earth’s atmosphere leaving a mysterious trail of fire. That’s right, a comet made of ice leaves a trail of fire. There’s no time to discuss this brief intro because we have to watch a couple whisper sweet nothings to each other as they drink wine out of styrofoam cups. Classy. Then, just five minutes into the movie, we’ll skip to morning where their radio won’t pick up a signal and Mr.Sweet-nothings gets bit by one of these mindless dead heads. Can we stop to ask what’s going yet? The answer is no. We’re ten minutes into the movie and we’re at an abandoned facility, which one character eloquently states is “an old decommissioned NORAD microwave station”, but that he “might be wrong”. We then get to meet a wonderful group of uninfected folk. I couldn’t wait to watch these people torn limb from limb (which does happen BTW). Along the way we watch overly disturbing scenes where all zombie dudes have their junk fall off in order for lil’ baby alien zombie critters gestate. Yep. Zombie dudes having little zombie babies. Fast forward a bit and you now know that all the women are infected with a crazy inner alien zombie which also causes the mentally challenged looking ‘hot girl’ of the movie to use her vagina to snatch up the born again religious zealot’s head…then crush it? Don’t worry though, he stabs her in the side of the head, but not before you see some boobage that leaves something to be desired. It’s not worth going into the plot much more other than to say Bro-Mc-I-Got-Bit-and-Was-Okay along with his sweetheart are the last one left alive when they realizes that alcohol kills these alien zombie parasites. They get drunk. Then it ends.

The Women: 5 **** **** ***** out of 10.
There was a time where you only had a good zombie movie if you had a smokin’ hot lady, scantily clad, soaked in blood and dual wielding machetes. In this movie, you’re left with sub-par women who are either too manly, unbearably annoying, or look like they’ve just gotten out of rehab after forty years of meth addiction. The only reason I gave these women a 5 is because they all die. That made me happy. Oh, and Roshelle Baier is easy on the eyes.

Creepy-what-the-fuuuuuuck moments: 10/10
Albeit 90% of the movie’s moment where me sitting there wondering “What the fuuuuuck is that thing?” “What the fuuuuuck? Her danger zone ate his face.” “What the fuuuuuuck? He ate his own junk?” “What the fuck? Why did I watch this?”

Goose rating: One Brainlessly Fowl Flick out of 10
While I can appreciate a low budget filmmaker’s attempt to create a decent zombie flick, I cannot tolerate how horribly it was executed. Some of the better (I use this loosely) actors only get minutes of screen time, while the more attractive (I also use this loosely) actors stand around and bitch about everything.
We never find out how everybody came together and met at this abandoned location. There are long periods of time where people just make noises or stare intensely at…well…anything.

The end…?

Vaya con Dios,
-Goose

The Housemartins

It’s ironic how I discover bands that began years before I was born…plus The Barenaked Ladies took a few lines from this song for “Hello City”. Everything seems to come full circle as this song was ALSO apparently in an episode of Doctor Who. Speaking of Doctor Who, I’m really not digging the most recent Doctor. He has a weird face that creeps me out. I’m sure there’s a reason that his face is all…odd, but nothing that would get me past his mug. You just can’t beat David Tennant as The Doctor for reasons that are only evident by watching him while he’s being awesome.

Anyway, this was just meant to be my annual, “I’ll eventually get around to putting new content up and eventually doing a decent Fowl Radio episode that won’t suck” speech. I think it was a success. Possibly.

Be sure to check me out on Tumblr as well: http://sirgoose.tumblr.com/

Vaya con Dios,
-Goose

Now for the brilliance that was spawned by one “Bad Movie” Bob of Bob’s Bad Movie Blog: Ghosts. According to him, ghosts are created after people die with unfinished business.

We were sitting around with some friends at Denny’s last night and we had a great conversation. Like I had said before, it was about ghosts. I say that there are plenty of friendly ghosts out there to help you out when you’re in a time of need. Bob says that only 5% of ghosts are friendly. To actually find out how much 5% is of a possibly infinite number is tough and needless to say, unimportant. His logic of ghosts comes from Ghostbusters in which every ghost they go after is an ex-criminal or evil beast. Slimer is not a bad ghost! He’s a friendly green ghost. This story has no point. Neither did the story.

This has been one of many pointless diner conversations.

Fowl Radio: Episode 26

About ten years later I have a Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter account. I’m posting pictures of myself and friends on various sites and linking them to my Facebook and Twitter accounts. Facebook now knows that I’m at a certain location and Foursquare links up to let a select group of my friends know which location I’ve checked into. Twitter is probably one of the worst out of all of these social media. Update to your heart’s desire and nobody cares. It was created so that people could inform everybody about what they were doing, thinking, saying, eating, feeling, and breathing.

Ten years ago I was obsessed with AIM and I thought that sending text messages was the coolest thing on the planet.

This was my first phone. A very patriotic phone...

I was even more amused as to how phones could actually send IM’s to AIM and vice versa. That was mind blowing at the time! Now I look at the phone I just bought and I wonder how I could have lived without it. This phone can update my blog, tell me the weather, IM people through AIM and Yahoo and most importantly Facebook! I can get real time updates using an application for Twitter. My phone’s GPS posts my location to both Facebook and Foursquare and also informs me of nearby places.

To make a long rant short, I can’t believe the kind of technology that we currently have. In a decade we’ve created some of the most incredible and useless technology. I’m looking forward to these next ten years.

“28 Days Later” is the most memorable zombie movie of the 21st century’s zombie movement. It was a gritty, dark, and exciting film that shed itself of previous movies in this genre that have become laughable. With it’s homage to the novel “Day of the Triffids”, this movie embraced the post-apocalyptic scene with a semi-believable plot. While “Resident Evil” and the “Night of the Living Deads” incorporated the same chemical approach to zombies as “28 Days Later”, both lacked the serious demeanor and the…not crazy mutated animals and creatures.

As big of a fan as I am of zombies, I have to say that what makes them the most terrifying is not that there are mutations like in “Resident Evil”. It’s the human factor that makes zombies the ultimate horror creature. What is worse than knowing that a single bite could cause you to die? For that matter, what could be worse than facing the decision to kill somebody in your family who has turned or been bitten? Those kind of emotions are what separates creatures like werewolves and vampires from zombies. Anyway, that’s not what I really wanted to talk about, but think about it! Over the last decade movies such as “Shaun of the Dead”,
“Dawn of the Dead (2004)”, “Zombieland”, “28 Days Later”, “28 Weeks Later”, “Diary of the Dead”, “Land of the Dead”, and the such. Almost all the movies from 2000 and on have a distinct horror quality to them unlike movies in decades past.

Although “28 Days Later” was one of the first memorable zombie movies of the new century, “Shaun of the Dead” and the remake of “Dawn of the Dead” in 2004 definitely helped push zombie popularity up a few notches. How many people can hear Queen and not think of “Shaun of the Dead”? I don’t think too many people really enjoyed the remake of “Dawn of the Dead”, but it was still a decent adaptation of classic zombie story. Let’s be honest, Richard Cheese’s rendition of “Down With the Sickness” was one of the highlights of that movie. I’m still trying to discover why zombies are so, for lack of better words, cool.

You have Max Brooks with “The Zombie Survival Guide” and “World War Z” as well as Robert Kirkman’s  ”The Walking Dead”, then there is the plethora of zombie games that fans eat up. There are still so many issues, brilliant ideas, stories, and thoughts about zombies…until part 2.

Be prepared.

-Aaron